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Text File | 2002-08-23 | 67.5 KB | 1,476 lines

From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. A new preacher came to a local church and gave what he considered a fairly reasonable example of a sermon for the consideration of the locals. He came back on the following Monday night to meet with the Board of Deacons, and before the meeting went into the bathroom. On the hand dryer he noted a sign which read "This device placed here courtesy of the preacher we had this last Sunday." He did not get to stay! If a man runs after money - that man is money-crazy. If a man keeps the money he earns - he is a capitalist. If a man spends the money he earns - he is a playboy. If a man doesn't get any money for what he does - he is stupid. If a man doesn't try to get some money - he lacks ambition. If a man gets money without working for it - he is a parasite. If a man saves money from a life of hard work - he is a fool who never enjoyed life. If a man gives his money to the poor - he is just showing off. If a man doesn't give his money to the poor - he is a tight-wad. If a man leaves his money to his wife - he is making up for his vileness on this earth. If a man doesn't leave his money to his wife - the marriage was just a sham anyway. This is why they call money the root of all evil - no matter what you do with it, someone is unhappy. When you have money, it is amazing how many relatives you suddenly have. When you are down and out, all too often the thing that turns up is the noses of your former friends. With money in your pocket, you are wise, you are handsome, and you sing well, too! We had a nice brook going through our back yard, and when you get tired and have nothing better to do, it is always worthwhile to step out there and weed a good brook. I've always felt I was entitled to it. A friend of mine made some very light and exceedingly dry white wine. He invited me to taste it, and it not only lacked color and body, but taste. "Well," he said, "what do you think of my white wine?" And I responded "Albino wine before it's time." What would happen if you built a communist government in the middle of the Sahara desert? For a time very little would happen, but at the end of say three years, there would be an acute shortage of sand. Remember way back when it didn't do any good to try to look up those kids of words in the dictionary? Why does the KGB always send three men out to do what could be done by one man? The KGB sends out one man who can read, and one man who can write, and the third man to watch these two intellectuals. What happened to the Chinese Symphony Orchestra during its most recent Western tour? It became the Chinese String Quartet. Oliver North is proof that if you wrap stupidity in the flag, you can overcome common sense which conforms to the law. The Government instituted forms on which to order other forms, to cover the difficulty of what to do in the event you run out of forms to use in your regular work. You go and get a form to order more forms. And yes, you guessed it, there is a form to order forms to order forms to order forms to order forms. Well, you get the picture here... What is a Pinochioism? It is an act of one in possession of a computer, whereby one tells whomever is asking that the computer is down. This avoids trying to correct previously made stupid or sometimes even deliberate errors, particularly on airlines that overbook, or resort hotels that don't really expect everyone to show up when they say they will. What is a Legal Loophole? It is the motivation for so many young men and woment to go off to law school, pass the bar (at least once, as a matter of record!), and then go to work on that loophole and mine it well. What is a Driveloper? Such a person is ordinarily occupied in the creative activity of original presentations of simple drivel. The driveloper has ordinarily gone beyond speaking simple bureaucratese and is now into some form of neo-computer language. This makes it possible for a driveloper to belch and sound like some sort of profound policy statement has been made. Formerly, drivelopers worked almost exclusively in government, but within the past few years, many have translated their work site to private industry. While the number of people professionaly engaged in this activity seems to be increasing, the level of comprehension even between drivelopers seems to be sadly decreasing. Zerochs Consultant: This individual is trained to tell you what you want to hear in the manner least likely to upset you. Such persons clone themselves or "Xerox" their person to the person to whom they are assigned, so that whatever is reported to the person for whom they work is reported in such a manner as to fairly often get ignored completely. Zerochs consultants write a wide variety of government reports on fairly serious subjects. Amos always said he wanted to be cremated when he died. His brother, trying to honor the wish of Amos, shopped carefully among the several funeral homes, and finally found one that was somewhat cheaper than the rest, proving that a penny saved is a penny urned. (This should be cremated, it is just downright awful! Terribly sorry, really, about this.) In wealth one finds many friends whereas in poverty, even very few relations. A promoter is a person who wants to sell you something you don't need that he does not have, at a price you can't afford, and for reasons neither of you can possibly understand, but the deal goes through and now you make your living using the things no one wanted to do what everyone said could not be done, for people who don't want what you offer. Its the price you pay, it appears, for being in the sewer cleaning business. If you really want to sell something, tell the women it is a bargain, but tell the man it is deductible. If you think you have someone eating out of your hand, it is not at all a bad idea to count your fingers. If a person deceives you once, shame on that person. If a person deceives you twice, shame on you! For of all hard things to bear and grin, the hardest is being taken in. You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising budget is big enough and the conditions are right. A statistician is one who collects an immense amount of data, studies it with extreme care, discusses it with others who know how to interprete these things, and then draws his own confusions. A patient named Tarzan was always negative, always gripping, carping and sometimes even whining about something. The man was never satisfied. Finally, he went to a psychologist who listened until he could take no more, since it was so constant, so negative. The therapist came home and said ot his wife that one of his patients almost sings; "The Tarzen Gripes Forever!" (Chucky little bit of humor, if that much, right?) When you go to buy something, use your eyes and your mind, not just your ears! A person who buys by ear does not buy much for long. If the customers don't want to come, you can't exactly keep them from it. A hamburger by any other name ordinarily costs about twice as much. We ain't got hold of culture yet, but when we do get hold of her, we will adjust her and settler her down and make her hum and run like crazy. Ben Franklin may have found electricity, but the guy who invented the meter is the guy who came off with the real gold out of this whole process. And just how far would Moses have gone, if he had taken a poll in Egypt before he started anything? Statistics and their use allow one to jump from an unwarrented assumption to a preconcenived conclusion without so much as even a slight hesitation. The use of such condensed information allows that compendious information may be sufficiently reduced to facilitate discussion among experts who can interpret the findings without any relation whatsoever to reality. Advertising is the art which promotes the idea within your head that you have wanted all your life something you have never even heard of before this time. With all the stuff on the shelves now stamped "improved," what in blue blazes were we buying before? If it is good, production is due to stop shortly. If it was excellent, production stopped already, and if it is absolutely superb, it has not been made for a fairly good number of years. I am not quite sure how to tell you this, but there is so much plastic out there in this society in which you and I live that genuine immitation vinyl-naugahyde leopard skin has become an endangered species. It is a sorry time in life when nobody asks you to "act your age," any longer, for fear you will! The first real sign of maturity is the admission that once upon a time your own parents were teenagers. Now that we have managed, in the course of human history, to domesticate so many of the animals, perhaps it is time that we get to one important effort we seem to have neglected...human beings. We can give domestication a try. Why beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, it is well not to underestimate the work of the beholdee in this work. Have your eyes ever been checked? No, they've always been brown! "One more word, and I go back to Mother!" "T-A-X-I!!!" You know you are getting along in years when you wink at a very pretty young gal and she smiles. It shows a definite lack of originality to make the same mistakes over and over, when there are so many mistakes to be made yet, for the first time. You are indeed getting along in years if you can remember the auto bumper that was difficult to lift. Now, a child can fold one and put it away! It is time to go on the wagon when your eyes appear to be two olives in a sea of tomato juice. On or about October 19, 1745 a man named Johnathan Swift, or a spelling near unto this, died, or is said to have died, since the vital signs, the majority of them at least, are alleged not to have been present. The man left the bulk of his estate, or what is sometimes called the major part of it, as distinguished from the smaller or lesser part, to the building and endowment of an insane asylum, or as it is called today, a mental facility of some permanency, to house and home as many inmates for as long as necessary as the annual endowment would allow. In other words, Swift is said to have SO HATED THE WORLD THAT HE LEFT HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SUM TO SHAME IT. It doesn't seem that long ago that just a few things cost more than a dollar a gallon, including imported whiskey and some rather exotic perfume. Who says I'm paranoid, and why do they want to know? You know you are no longer young if you recall that the fastest means of communication was ordinary gossip. Nancy Reagan had a face lift. Joan Collins used a fork lift. If some folks give up wearing glasses, they look better, but they don't see as well. If you've got water on the knee, you're not aiming straight! Sex is evil. Sex is sin. Sex is forgiven. Sex is in! Tammy Faye Bakker uses gun powder on her face. At least, it looks shot! Marriage's Perfect Match: When the hypochondiac marries the pill! Which are more popular, owls or chickens? Chickens, naturally.... Who ever heard of Kentucky Fried Owls? No matter how many daughters you have, there are always more than enough sneaky-eyed boy friends to take care of the need. When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor seemed surprised. But when Old McDonald had a farm, He couldn't believe his eyes. Joan Collins makes a movie each year, and she has just started on her 67th movie. Zsa Zsa Gabor also makes a movie a year, but no one knows about it. Most were never distributed. A women who seeks to be equal to men --- lacks ambition! Most recently, I've read so much about the dangers of smoke and drink that I have finally decided to give up reading altogether. A man used to be rated on how well he achieved bringing home the bacon. All that has passed. Now, he is rated on how well he brings home the textured vegatable protein bacon flavored strips. Truth wealth consists in making out your shopping list, before you consult your coupon file. Keep the Pope Off the Moon, It's The Only Place He Hasn't Been! The person who told me that by starting at the bottom there was no way for me to go but up had unfortunately forgotten that sideways is still a direction you can go and go and go. I did. The President is getting religious and knows what he is doing. This type of news is enough to scare the hell out of anyone. One of the disadvantages of childlessness is that in a few years it begets grand-childlessness. Diarrhoea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans. What is long and hard and has seman in it? No, a submarine! Dan Quayle is a former has-been. You really want to be discouraged? Than wait till you find out that your bathroom scales is correct! It has been noted that the most common pain in the neck has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with whiplash. When the end of the world arrives, the safest place to be will be in the Soviet Union, because in the Soviet Union, everyone lives at least 50 years behind the standards everywhere else. The most reliable lie detector is a suspicious wife. China - Things may be bad but next year they will be worse. When it comes to the ultimate in elasticity, it is hard to beat a paycheck that lasts until the next one comes in. People who live in a Socialist society live in a planned economy. Everything is planned. When there is a shortage of ham, there is also a shortage of eggs. When there is food in the villages, and not in the cities, that is left wing deviationism. When there is food in the cities but not in the villages, that is right wing deviationism. When there is food in the cities and food in the villages, that is capitalist propaganda. Socialism is that system which allows that everyone gets a headache trying to live with this system. The real genius of socialism is that, once everyone has a headache, the aspirins are provided, free. China under Chairman Deng: How to Survive! 1. Don't think. 2. If you think, don't talk. 3. If you talk, don't write it down. 4. If you write it down, don't publish it. 5. If you publish it, don't sign it. 6. If you sign it, deny it at once. 7. If you deny it once, deny it again. 8. Claim your signature was faked! 9. Blame someone who forced you to publish it. 10. Say that you wrote it down at gun point, and it is not your thinking. Do not spit on the floor --- it is forbidden to discuss politics in public! People still become infatuated with one another, fall in love, go together, get married and live together, but not necessarily in that order. If having children keeps you young, perhaps growing older has many more advantages than at first thought. For those who think that we still enjoy free speech in this country - just wait till you get your next telephone bill! I continuously have this cash flow problem - it is all flowing in the wrong direction. After considerable research, the present administration has discovered that unemployment isn't working. Isaac Newton didn't discover gravity. What he did discover is heavier than air apples. Children in the front seat cause accidents, whereas accidents in the back seat cause children. It is difficult for me to agree that muggers should be flogged, or that floggers should be mugged. If undertakers were nationalized than everyone could have a state funeral at the taxpayer's expense. Quite frankly I admit that I am not too talented, rather under-educated, and not too up on current affairs, decidedly uninterested in sports, and additional to all of this I know practically nothing about the stock market, money management, international law, how to deal with terrorism and protective policy. These at the things that worry me, inasmuch as any day now, someone is going to come and ask me to run for President, since so few other folks are so well qualified. I don't want to mention the restaurant in which this happened, but the other day I put in my order and the waitress disappeared, perhaps to have her hair done and get some incidental shopping out of the way, I don't know. I finally asked the manager if they were going to put the waitress's picture on the side of a milk carton. A straight line is the shortest distance between two points. This is usually true, unless of course, you miss your exit. It is more dignified for me to tell you that we are moving in cycles than to come right out and tell you the honest truth - we are running around in circles! Possibly the ultimate irony is that perfection is usually achieved by accident rather than by design. You know that you are from a small town if the main street of the place runs through a car wash. If you chance to think of yourself as some sort of expert on the subject of women, than perhaps you are the one to whom I should come with this question: How come women will wear a wig over a full head of hair? Dear Editor: I just read in your paper that a little old lady was bitten by a black widow spider when she picked up the paper off the front porch. This came as nothing short of a surprise to me. Not the fact that she was bitten by a black widow spider, mind you, but that the paper was on the front porch. A Subscriber.... It is hard to claim that you know something about pollution unless you were the third kid to use the bathwater at home. This is the ultimate qualification. The Boss is that person who, when telling a joke, does not need a laugh track in order to hear people laugh. You know you are in a truly small town, if the store owner sweeps the sidewalk in front of his or her place of business. It always makes you feel a little uneasy when people start treating you with consideration and respect, because then you've got to wonder if they know something you don't know about your health. Currently, a marriage is considered successful if it lasts long enough for the exchange of all the duplicates received during the wedding as gifts. The farmer works the soil, the agriculturist works the farmer. As far as can be known, one of the major purposes for the entire State of Iowa is to keep Minnesota from sinking and hitting Missouri. Never throw mud. You may miss your mark, but in any event, you'll end up with dirty hands. I hate to mention things like this in this feature, but it is one of the more pressing problems in America today, and that is the lack of tap-dancers in the Miss America contest. Let me call to your attention the fact that those who most often and most loudly extol the virtue in hard work are also the folks least likely to have callouses. First commit the Golden Rule to memory, then work at it and commit the rule to life itself. Ignorance always allows that from it a crop of fear may be reaped easily. The husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to use the new car, even to drive to the grocery store, a mere few blocks away from the house. Finally, after she rather insisted, he allowed it, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!" People keep telling me that I am never too old to learn, and I keep wondering why they say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. And why does all of the corn in Western Iowa lean toward the West? The answer to that one is quite simple. Nebraska sucks! An old timer is one who remembers the time when street people were city sanitation workers. It frequently happens that an optomist is a perfectly normal person in most other respects. In this world filled with unfairness, it takes all the talent, intelligence and cunning your offspring can muster to accomplish what the kids just next door do regularly thorough sheer luck and some indifference. A grandchild who asks you some innocent question can make you feel truly ancient, as in: "What were dinosaurs really like?" Let's all face the facts. This world in which many if not most of us live will never be a better place until such time as it is occupied by a better class of tenents. What you do not want others to do unto you, do not do unto others. Habits may be good or they may be bad. At first, they are like cobwebs. Later, they become cables. A snake may change his skin. A fox may change his fur color. But neither the fox or the snake can change their habits. And often enough, neither can a human being! Now is the time, after reading about habits, to do something really foolish! Start Smoking! In the Book of Galatians, we are told that whatever a man soweth, that also he will reap. This is the reason why so many breakfast foods now have oat bran in them. Lots of folks early on in their lives sowed a whole lot of oats, which are now coming home to roost. There is one thing far worse than waiting two months for a dental appointment, and that is getting in to see the dentist the very next day. When the values of the good old days are being hoisted for all to see and hear, it is seldom that the electronic calculator that weighed in at 7 pounds and cost $ 270 gets mentioned. When you call home and get a busy signal, at least you are aware of where one of your children is at the time. Sound Advice: Hang up on any phone conversation that starts with this dialogue or monologue: "Congratulations, you have been chosen......" You are at home when you can scratch were it actually itches and not be anxious that someone will see what you are doing. There is no army so strong that it can resist an idea whose time has come. The idea will defeat the army and sweep away all armaments in its path. The injuries we do to others and the injury others do to us are seldom weighed on the same scales. If you would want to know what you would be like if you lost your mind, put a tape recorder nearby and have it running when you take your second or third drink. Hello Jimmy Swaggart: The devil loves nothing more than the intolerance of reformers who do not hear their own words and whose lives reveal a serious deafness. To be truly conscious of your stupidity is one of the greatest steps you can make toward wisdom. If you know others, you are learned. If you know yourself, you are indeed wise. It isn't the things that you don't know that get you into trouble. What gets you into trouble are those things you know for sure that ain't so. An attorney starts his or her practice giving $500 worth of legal expertise for $ 5.00. In the passage of a small time all of this is remedied, and the attorney now gives $ 5.00 worth of legal expertise for $ 500. Time changes all of us. May all of your troubles last no longer than do your New Year Resolutions. Your facial expression is the most important thing you can wear, you can't buy it in a clothing store. When it gets right down to the basics, there is no real substitute for simple incomprehensible good luck. When money speaks, the truth is most often silent. Laughter requires no prescription and in addition to this, it is far and away the best medicine. Spring is wonderful. It makes you feel young enough to do those things that age and your doctor tell you not to do. Money brings about a new class of relative, formerly the unknown, now the familiar. A child is a person who will try mightily to live up to whatever expectations you have of them, when you tell them what you expect. While it is true that Rome was not built in a day, it is also true that the construction was not delayed by union jurisdictional disputes and craft union work stoppages. See much, study much, think much, and you might even learn something. The Chinese, in saying that no one was hurt or died on Tiananmen Square, were guilty of wholesale termonological inexactitute and commercial grade inaccuracy. In other words, they lied through their teeth. Everyone should have manners, and anyone who doesn't should be kicked out of where ever they are and whipped until they bleed. What is clear beyond question is that the immediate future is completely uncertain and cloudy. It is really insufficient to be simply good, one must also try to be good for something. A deaf husband and a blind wife as sure to be a happy couple. You can almost count on it... Before the wedding, the woman cries. After the wedding, it is the man's turn to cry. Doctors often prescribe medicines about which they know relatively little for diseases about which they know even a little less, in people about whom they know practically nothing. It is a real wonder that, under these circumstances, the patient even survives, as most of them do. In fact, some of them even get better in spite of all the odds against it. Many people conduct their lives as though on a directionless search conducted to find the great perhaps. For insurance purposes, an act of God is defined as something which no reasonable person could possibly have anticipated. In this same sense, Catholic theologians speak of the creation of humanity as an act of God! If carried to the logical conclusion, we might even find some sort of reason for your ordinary parking meter. The more efficient you are in planning, the more easily your are upset by accident. Tell me what upsets you. Small minds are often distressed by little things... I really would not be so bothered by people who speak out what they think, if before they spoke out, they actually did think. This is one of the main problems with a democracy. Everyone has a chance and an opportunity to speak up and say what is on their mind. Often times, precious little and even more often absolutely nothing, and the less there is of thought, the more lengthy the unloading. It is the pain of the democratic process! Thoughtlessness and wordlessness are seldom found in the same person. There isn't enough wordlessness in this world to go around and fill the need for it! Amateurs built the ARK, professionals built the TITANIC! None the less, I would still prefer that the surgeon operate on me, not the carpenter. The person who stands in New York and sees the fly in California is unconscious of the fact that at the very time, a horse is standing on his foot. Pay attention to what YOU are doing, not the other person. This reliance on facts, belief in facts; it's a great American superstition. After all, the telephone directory is full of facts, but it does not contain one idea. The fact is that value judgements are not based on facts. Facts alone are like unlabeled spent food containers, whereas when facts are combined with ideas, you have one of the greater forces available to you in this world. A professional is someone who tells you something you already knew, but in the telling, through the use of jargon and jumbo, makes the whole thing sound impressive and confusing, and then charges you a professional fee for doing this to you. Quite honestly, if you are not confused, you really are not thinking clearly. Whether your think you can do a thing or not do a thing is immaterial, because in either instance, you are correct. To get people to think they are thinking begets friendship, whereas actually to make people think begets resentment. There is no level so low to which people will not stoop, even honorable people, to avoid the difficulty of thinking. Some folks can have several trains of thought going down the track at the same time with litte difficulty. The problem lies in the fact that these folks have no terminal for the trains. In the United States, there is a lot more space with a fewer people than there is less space with a lot more people. Its things like this that make America what it is. However, it won't always be the way it was, and it is a lot different now than it used to be. The first time you buy a house, you look and see how pretty the paint is, and then you buy the house. The second time you buy a house, you check for termites in the basement. It is kind of like that with your second marriage. If you don't got the money, than don't go to none of them auctions, cause if you do, you can be in real deep trouble by a simple wrong move at the right time for the wrong reasons. The more you know about politics, the more assured you are that each and every party is worse than the other. The person who quite clearly knows nothing but thinks that he knows absolutely everything has a very distinct orientation toward a political career. Politics is a nice name for something which otherwise would be called the law of the jungle. You can bet your life on the fact that a clock in the workplace, running slow, will be corrected before the end of the first day. You can't be happy if you do things different when you do them than when you discuss them. The current bran frenzy has lots of folks feeling their oats and many of them have been noticed of late, horsing around~ Marriages tend to last a little longer if someone manages to inform the participants that often it happens that better comes AFTER worse! Wise up folks, there is no such thing as free democracy any more than there is free citizenship. Probably one of the greatest tests of self-control is expertise in the abilty to perform a task, while watching someone do what you can do so well, in the wrong way, with predictably disasterous results, and not say anything. Education is learning that you did not even know what you did not even know you did not even know. Peace is not necessarily God's gift to you, it is your gift to others and their gift to you. Home is the place you grow up in and want to leave, only to get a little older and grow fond of coming back to. Scientists are folks who would rather count than guess. If time heals all wounds, as you grow older, you'll get better. Hell is filled with amateur musicians, all playing their ghetto blasters louder than the one next to them. If you can't change your opinion, you have already been the customer of a funeral home, or you are the most obstinate person ever to walk the face of the earth. If order is heaven's first law, there's just a whole pack of us in serious deep trouble.. When you next look at a cow eating some grass, pause a little longer and recall that science has not yet come up with a good response as to how grass is turned into milk. If order is heaven's first law, I live just three blocks the other side of hell. A pessimist is a person who feels bad when he feels good for fear he will feel worse when he feels better. A pessimist is always frustrated, for when they take joy in having proved that there is no joy they have contradicted themself and must start all over again. Opinions founded in ignorance are usually expressed as prejudice and require that to maintain them, one must use violence. When it is not necessary to change it is necessary not to change. When someone says "This is old, therefore it is good," or "This is new, therefore it is better," you know you are talking with one or another variety of fool. A conservative is a person who does not think that anything should be done for the first time. There is one surprise in life that we can still experience, and that is that there are some things in this life which can and do surprise us. You Heard It Here Department: Pete Rose is opening a new motel chain, The Wager Inn. Cher is starting a new chain of restaurants called "The Rib Cage." Be happy with what you got and don't worry none about what you ain't got, cause you can't get happy when you is worry filled. If you got it, enjoy it, and if you ain't got it, don't give it no worry. That person who falls in love with self alone, falls in love with one of the meanest mortals known. Blessed are they have have nothing to say and can not be persuaded with any known prize, to say it. Never jump on a man unless he is down, and when you do, make sure that you confuse him by supplying him with so many facts that he can not possibly understand what you are saying. I agree with you on practically everything you say including even the fact that on most things we don't see eye to eye. The freedom to make mistakes makes for the better forms of creativity, but creativity varies inversely with the number of mechanics trying to solve the problem. There is a very thin line between the creative genius and the oddball, the screwball. I haven't been able to put that line down yet. So, I must suffer the occasional screwball. Before you speak, just remember that you will not be asked to explain what you did not say! There are two ways to kill a good idea. Take it to a meeting for one, and turn it over to a committee, for the second. There are few things more threatening than a person equipped with just one idea, one direction. A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity, can repetitively reiterate redundant reduplications of previously discussed material to the point where it becomes tendiously obdurate and almost intolerable. Why is it that when a man goes to hunt bear, it is sport, but when the bear comes to hunt man, it is violence? A state from which religion is banished can never be a well managed state that meets the needs of the people. Never get too serious in life, because after serious, the next step is being dull, and after that it is a short step to boring. May you live all the days of your life! Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you, cause if you do, you are in big trouble, serious trouble, lots of trouble and more trouble yet. Truly, you are a person who speaks the truth, lives the truth, abides by the truth. And truth is, of course, stranger than fiction, and you certainly are too. It's OK to wait for your ship to come in, provided of course, that it was sent out in the first place. Tyrants have yet to discover that chain, that cable, that will fetter the mind. Nothing is stronger than than an idea whose time has come. If your lead pencil is less than three inches long, and still equipped with a virgin eraser, you are about as close to perfection as this world will allow you to be. The longer the deliberation, the stronger the possibility of error in the decision. Often enough, what it takes to maintain one vice is enough money to raise two children. There are two real incentives toward reducing your weight during the summer season. One is a swim suit that all too easily shows where the bulges are that should't be, and the other is that lawn chair that gets up when you do, and goes with you! Always and in every instance, someone can be found to disagree with whatever decision you make. Why should I be the one to do it? Why should it be done at all? Why should it be done now? Why should it be done this way? Power tends to corrupt and absolute power? Hey, absolute power ain't all bad! What you can not enforce, do not command. Interestingly enough, there are many kids who just can't seem to get their multiplication tables down, some of whom can't even add, for that matter. But ask them a phone number, and whammo, you've got the whole thing instantly. If you are in command and do it wisely, your subjects will obey you with good cheer. There is nothing more a fine gift than the ability to guide others in a peaceful way while all enjoy the excursion. You don't have a good idea of what a dog's life is like, until you have had to clean up after one. Say what you want about President Richard Nixon. How many people do you know who could get elected President when no one voted for them. Ever run on to anyone who admitted voting for Richard Nixon? If you are a terror to many people, than you must beware of at least that many and lots more. For you will find that the underdog has friends and these tend to multiply. A real bully is always a coward, for their lurks in such a person the fear of finding someone even worse than himself at what he is doing. Are condoms adequate protection? Nope, you'll also have to have fire and casualty, even if you don't drive. It is easier to spout wisdom and appear wise, after the event. Inasmuch as you will never be able to do what you wish, it is better to be able to wish what you do. Think much, speak little and write less. However, if you are going to write, it is well to write what you think people think you think rather than what you think, because people have no idea what you think, and likely as not, are uninterested. Seldom say what you mean and seldom mean what you say, thus adding to the whole affair. One thing can be done by writing that can't be done in any other way, and that is that you can write yourself right out of your reputation when you write. In youth, if we are lucky, we learn. In age, if we are wise, we understand. Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. When you are not growing, you are dying. Growth is the only real sign of life. To be furious in religion is to be irreligiously religious. The world is divided into those who actively do things and those who get the credit for doing things. Usually, when we seek advice, what we are really searching for is a nice accomplice. Everyone sets out to do something, and everyone does something, but not everyone does what they set out to do. The death of our country will not come from an outside attack. No, if it comes, it will be slow, and from indifference, apathy and undernourishment. A man does not attain wisdom until he starts to realize that he is not indispensible. Property Guarded by An Attack Dog Department: You heard it here, first! Griggsville police were called to the Shell station to remove a minature female chichuahua for behaving in a "disorderly manner," by refusing to allow patrons of the station into the men's toilet. It was surely a frightening time for police, I am sure, since these animals have been known to kill flies. British condom makers have developed a model that glows in the dark. It can be recharged simply by putting it in the light of a table lamp for several hours. I say if a condom wants to read at night, it ought right well to supply it's own electricity. There are things worse than a public speaker with a three word thought, a three minute vocabulary and a three hour speech, but I have not been able to think of any over the last three days. A tourist leaves Bogolusa on his way to Opalousa, and is quite confused about the names of the various cities through which he passes. Stopping at long last for a late lunch, he enters a fast food chain restaurant. After he places his order, he says to the clerk "I say, how do you spell the name of this place I am in?" Slowly, the clerk behind the counter starts. "B-U-R-G-E-R K-I-N-G," comes the response. When your work speaks for itself, it is very wise to remain silent and not interrupt! Many are they who do more than they think they can do and far less than they thought they did. The real problem is that few folks come anywhere near exhausting the potentials that the Creator has given to them. There are deep wells of strength and capacities that are never even so much as touched. Never make an impromptu speech without advance warning, otherwise what you say isn't worth the paper it is printed on and will not be remembered or quoted. When Lincoln went to Gettysburg, he had 16 xeroxed copies of his envelope, to make sure the talk got press coverage. One of the stronger reasons for being disorganized is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. One of the things you discover, for example, is that God hides things simply by putting them near us. Most of my major discoveries can be filed from A to C, Accident to Chance. It is amazing what you can find, when you are actually looking for something else. Sometimes it is well, when seeking good order, to recall that even at times paralysis appears to be order. Tyranny is always better organized. The John Birch Society had a much finer organization than ever happened with the ACLU. All generalizations are dangerous, perhaps even this one. There are exceptions to the rule, but this does not appear to be one of them. It is not possible to found lasting power or treachery, purjery and dishonesty. The leader must know. The leader must know that he knows. The leader must let everyone else know that he knows. The leader must make sure that there is no question that he knows. Rules Dyslexia - K.O.? There are some people that, if they don't know, you can't tell them. You can tell a teacher as far as you can see one, but you can't tell them much. The man has a photographic mind suffering from chronic and severe underdevelopment. If you believe everything you read, it would be better for you to have been born perpetually illiterate. Reading without thinking is like eating without going to the toilet. Eventually, something backs up, and it is not good. The human brain starts to work the moment you are born and never stops until you get up in public to explain why you voted the way you voted, or what is worse and takes longer, why you did not vote. There are lots of folks who seem well enough able to rise to a situation, but some damn fools can never sit down at the right time.' Why doesn't the speaker who admits that "As a public speaker, I'm not very good," simply sit down after that, rather than give us a lengthy and tedious demonstration. When speaking, remember these things. Third, be sincere. Second, be brief. First of all, and most important, be seated - quickly. The ignorance of one voter in a Democracy impairs the safety of us all. If you happen to think that you understand everything that is going on about you, it is likely that you are hopelessly confused. It is not met to be understood, but it is met to be observed and commented upon. If you are not totally confused, you do not really understand the situation. If there is anything a public servant hates to do, it is usually something for the public. Stop and think about this for a minute. Here is a guy running for President that is willing to spend umpteen million dollars to obtain the office, and while you are right there in his presence, he is telling you how he is going to balance the budget. His salary is going to be about $ 200,000 per year, and he is spending millions to get into this office, while telling you he is going to balance the budget. Does all of this really make any sense? The Bore is the person who deprives you of your solitude without any form of recompense in the form of decent company. A good bore can consume within the space of one year, one and a half times his own weight in patience. It requires considerable talent and no small measure of experience to be an accomplished bore. If you understand everything, you are obviously misinformed. If you don't know where you are when you get there, then this is a fairly poor place to find out that you are not where you thought you were. People leave Washington, D.C, by box, either ballot or coffin. One of the hardest arguments to refute is silence. Anyone can win, of course, but this can be somewhat complicated if there is a second entry. Bureaucracy defends the status quo long after that quo has lost its status. If folks don't want to do it, it's hard to keep them from it. I have often wanted to vote for the best man, bnut so seldom have I found him listed among the candidates. The very best thing about the group that is usually listed is that only one of them can win. It is dangerous for someone running for national office to say things that people might remember. One of the largest liabilities is an ability to speak with precision and allow people to know what you are saying and what it means. Avoid these things if you wish to be elected. In a Democracy, decisions are made by a majority. Not by a majority of the people, but by a majority of that minority enfranchised to vote. Not just those who can vote. The minority is made up entirely of those who do vote, and that is quite a minority indeed that makes the decisions for a Democracy. Everything comes to the man who is least in need of it, and at a time when it is inconvenient for him to receive it. True enough, you can not cross the bridge till you come to it, but it is well in this world of constant uncertainty, to keep an extra pontoon or two handy, just in case you get to a river without a bridge. It is a foolish man who tests the depth of the river with both feet at the same time. Often this person tests just one river. (5) If at first you don't find success, there is no use being obstinate about it. The decision is maybe, and that's final unless it isn't although at this time it seems to be. Modesty is that art which allows that you draw attention to whatever it is that you are being humble about at the present time. Very frequently, when someone can not change their mind, it is an indication of a lack of something to change. There are three ways to get something accomplished. Do it yourself. Employ someone to do what you want done. Forbid your children, very strictly, from doing what you want done. Sometimes problems are so difficult that it takes an expert just to remain undecided about the possbile solutions to the problem. Once an appeal is made to force to settle a disagreement, it is well to remember that there is now one thing you can not afford, and that is to lose. That individual who is habitually undecided is one who suffers from exhaustion and horror for life. Many people, while they will not experience a nervous breakdown themselves, can be rather easily identified as carriers of this malady. Humility is elusive, for the very moment you think you have it, at that very instant, you've lost it. There is never a convenient time for death, for taxes or for childbirth, but all these things happen and we manage to survive them all. Some are a joy, others a relief, but taxes are for sure no fun. If this material is offensive to you, and admittedly it will be offensive to someone, than you should take time out to contemplate this truth. Seriousness is the refuge of the truly shallow! Often times, the best armor we have is keeping out of range. There is no such thing as a little enemy just as there is only a big friend. If you have no enemies, you are also apt to be in the same prediciment with regard to friends. It is a lot more fun to suspect someone of something than to know the true facts of the case under discussion. A tax loophole is a form of tax reform that did not benefit you. Had you benefitted from it, it would have been a model piece of tax reform legislation. Conscience: The unending visit of a Mother-in-law. Jim and Tammy Bakker are the only people I know who are a disgrace to their underwear. Nothing quite compares to getting an income tax refund, unless it is standing before a firing squad and living to tell of the incident. It takes more brains and effort to make out your income tax forms correctly than it does to make the income you are reporting. Reality implies constancy. Constancy is composed of change, one of the few things in reality that is constant is change. Change implies movement from where we were to where we will be after we get on with it. Movement always involves some degree of friction, and the more you move, or the longer you move, the more friction you are discussing here. Friction brings heat and a lot of friction brings us a lot of heat. The only place that movement doesn't bring friction is in outer space. Now it also happens that heat does not generate light, and so you can have hot feelings, deep feelings, true and sincere convictions, and not have one iota of rationality or reality involved, after you have been through change and movement and, yes, friction. A nation's advance as a civilized society can be properly guaged by the manner in which it treats the poor and the elderly - often the same people. Aside from traffic, nothing has put the brakes on society quite so well as a committee. In order to form an excellent and efficient committee, only three people are required. Additional to this, one needs to be absent and one needs to be sick. On such rare occasions as happen when these circumstances come together, you have that threatened species of animal, the perfect committee. A man can drown and do it easily in a stream whose average depth is a mere seven inches. Figures won't lie, but liars will figure, and I figure that as long as they figure to lie, it's hard to find the facts. My counsin is a statistician and he regularly draws wild postulations from which he deduces unwarrented assumptions which lead to his foregone conclusions. It is his job to support all of this with numerical facts which substantiate these bizarre prejudices. He is what many folks today call a professional person. Knows more and more about less and less until he arrives to that distinguishing point at which time he knows nothing about anything. Fine profession, statistician. One thing can be said about our space program. Our tax dollars go farther. Never trust a man who speaks well of everybody - you for instance. Bureaucrat: A Democrat who is holding some office that a Republican wants, or a Republican who is holding some office that a Democrat wants. With a little research and some funding it is quite possible to find a difficulty for every solution. Often enough statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they concel is vital. Don't put any faith in what statistics tell you until you have carefully examined what these statistics do not tell you. An official is always an official and always has a wild unquestioning belief in written reports. Never insult the alligator until you have crossed the river. When you catch an elephant by the hind leg and the elephant is trying to run away, it seems wise to let the poor animal lose. If you can't see the bottom, wade not, for you may be in far too much before you know it. If you keep a thing for seven years, you will find a use for it. Moderation never hurt anything and helped quite a few things. It is a mistake to assume that in order to give an immortal speech, it must also be eternal. It seems highly impractical for us to be thinking of lengthing the school year when it is already so difficult to get in all those back to school sales that we now have. The difference between a Yuppie and a Nerd is simply that one has money.... It takes a smart person to know that the person is stupid. There is nothing quite so flattering as being 28 and having someone demand two forms of identification before you can be sold a drink with alcohol in it. About the only thing that beats this sensation is being asked for documentation that you actually do qualify for a senior citizens discount. Take great care never to swat the fly on the forehead of your friend, if you are carrying an axe. There is a world of difference between making instant coffee and winning an argument with an Italian. Life is often like a large serving of kumquats, sometimes there is more of a good thing than you can take. Sometimes it takes a real optimist to think that things are so bad that they just can't get worse. A group of the unwilling, composed of the unfit, to do the unnecessary for the unaware in an untidy manner at an untimely moment employing unseemly tactics for the uninformed. Ah, give me a chance at that committee and we can really go nowhere fast and get there before most people even know that we left. This is nothing more than the formula for good government, or it seems that way from what I have been able to observe so far in this life. If a talk show lasts a couple of months today, it is forced to recycle sexual aberrations and shuffle the guests around a bit more. Any statistic that can be found which is interesting can be credited to the fact that this particular statistic is a mistake. If it is not a mistake, it is a misprint, and if it is not a misprint, it is unlawful release of classified information. Speaking in public is like making love in public. Any fool can start something like this, but it takes a real effort to find a way to end it after it is once started. It is a toss-up for be between movies that have a happy ending and movies that I am happy to see end. One condition is basic for an spontaneous public speech, and that is that one spend perhaps the better part of a month preparing it, editing it and then reducing it. One should never speak for twenty minutes when one has a thirty second idea. If it takes you more than twenty minutes to state your ideas, you are not suited for public speaking, you are called to be an author, and if no one else is willing to call you, know that I am willing, at least as a public service. The theory of liberty, when delivered in a political speech by a candidate, always sounds far better and contains a great deal more promise than the actual practice of liberty is prepared to give unless the listeners are willing to pay higher taxes. If you keep a tight lip, often a lot of loose talk can be prevented. A short speech is often a good speech and certainly has the advantage of being much less able to be a bad speech than a long speech. A long speech is often a bad speech precisely because it was not a short speech. One seldom need repent of having said too little, but often needs much repentence for having said far too much in too many ways too often, all within the same speech. If you can't strike oil in ten minutes of public speaking, stop boring and admit you have hit a dry hole. One of the very few things a dollar bought in 1950 that it will buy today is one hundred pennies. But not to worry, someone is working on doing away with pennies. Mike Dukakis tried to give several fireside speeches, but the difficulty he experienced was with that fresh driftwood, which he tried to ignite in the rain, with wet matches. It wasn't your ideal model of success, so to speak. The man is to fire what ashes are to a lumber yard. It seems to be a fairly good sign that your memory is slipping if you can't even recall those things you are trying to forget because you can't remember them as things you are trying to forget. Blessed is that individual who, having nothing on his mind, decides not to share this vast state of wordy nothingness with us in a public display. The realization that someone is quite unlikely to accept what you freely offer to them is one of the greater impulses to really large charity. To be considered wise is not so bad, although it ordinarily requires that we go a good distance out of town, so that those who think of us as wise do not have the opportunity to learn the ordinary truth of the matter. If you live in an apartment building with more than four floors, it pays to be nice to the elevator repairman. The length of a committee meeting rises in direct proportion to the square of the number of people entitled to vote on that particular committee. A quest for happiness is often hidden behind the simple fact that hard work is required. This is one of the reasons many folks miss finding happiness. When you don't want to do something, a meeting is indispensible as the most efficient tool to accomplish your goal. The perpetuation of polysyllabic obfuscation through redundancy and obtuse reiteration is often unnecessarily repeated as a distinct disservice to clarity and brevity, in compound sentences, which overuse punctuation marks and do not conclude by coming to a conclusion, when this seems to be within reason and right order. One useless man can be called a disgrace. Two really useless men can be called a law firm. When you get more than these together, you have all the essential ingredients for a committee. And after the committe has made one or two criminal errors which are against the law, you have all that is deemed necessary for the formation of a congress. Our country has two separate bodies of these people, no one room being quite large enough to contain them all. And then there is the executive branch, but we shall discuss this later under the heading: "Extreme Absurdities You Would Not Believe!" You are getting older if you remember going to the movie not because of the movie, but because in the summer the theater was air cooled, and it was the only place like this in the whole town. A consultant is a man who knows fifty marvelous ways to make love, but does not know a women to whom these charms may be applied. There are two things that are extremely important in politics. The first is money and I'll be hanged if I can remember what the second one is. Don't just do something. Stand there and ponder. A conservative wears suspenders as well as an outside belt, and also an inside secret belt, for his money. He is against the Democrats for what they stand for and against the Republicans because they don't stand for what they should. He is for reform, which should come at some other time than right now, since there is no need for redress of the present and there is need to let the future take care of itself. It has happened to me a great deal. The appearance of a security guard brings about a tremendous feeling of insecurity. Take a look at some of those folks. Wow! You can get a decent reading on who is running things if, on your way to the front door of the house, you notice that the garage door is some strange color and there are curtains. One of the things not to say to a state trooper who has just pulled you over for doing more than the sign announcing the miles per hour allows is "Do you look like this all the time or are you simply constipated?" It is nice to show concern, but this is not a good example of that kind of concern. Man does not live by word alone. This is good to remember when it comes time to eat some of the words a man has said. If you can not say something far better than silence, than have the common good sense to let silence have the day. Laughter is always the best medicine, no question about it. Laugh and have fun, you only go through this life once, and if you do it right, once is plenty. Somehow, it just does not pay to go through life acting like you are a monument to chronic constipation. A conservative sees a man drowning fifty feet from shore. The conservative throws the man a rope 25 feet long and tells the man to start swimming, all the while wondering where he is going to send the bill for the 25 feet of rope used in this effort. Just down the beach, a liberal sees a man drowning fifty feet from shore. The liberal borrows 50 feet of rope from a neighbor and throws this to the drowning man. He does not hold on to the end of the rope, since he is busily looking for someone else from whom he may borrow another fifty feet of rope, just to make sure that man has enough. The swimmer can hardly afford the conservative and can hardly survive the liberal. A political convention is verily vigorous very verboten vast verbosity vacuuously vivacious for what it fails to say in such long windedness and tedious tendentiousness without arriving even close to where it was aimed by a drunken archer in the midst of a tornado of hot wind. Gargantuian gaseous globules of gluttonous guttoral galaxies of gibberish are the order of the day. Inconstitencies of opinion which may arise from time to time due to contingencies which may not be anticipated are often justifiable except when you do them, since for you, consistency requires that you be as dumb today as you were yesterday and the day before that. When I change my mind is is generally a sign of broadminded openness to considerations of moment. When you change your mind from what you said four years ago, it is yet another example of the bewildering plethora of lies of which you are always guilty. Let us always be fair about these things. (10) It is really hard to keep people from doing something if they stay away from it and don't want to do it. You just have to exercise patience and forbid it a little more strongly a little longer. Some historian, out to make a name for himself, is circulating a rumor to the effect that George Washington is a dirty double crosser. According to this historian, Washington crossed the Deleware River twice, without taking a bath! So much for dirty stories. This is about as far as Zerro goes in this direction. Of course, we might include the story about the little boy who fell in the mud, and that would create quite a splash. But this is the limit of these dirty story things. We just can't smudge too much. In politics, he gives twice who gives soon, since he will be called upon quickly to give again. A visit to a political convention is much akin to a residency which is required on a garbage heap. As a matter of fact, I rather believe I would prefer the garbage heap if it comes to a choice. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a friend, or from a stranger. A Fairway on the Golf Course is a narrow strip of mown grass that separates two groups of golfers who are out looking for lost balls in the rough. Exercise for your health....eat a balanced diet. Control your weight. Don't Smoke. Nothing to Excess. All Things in Moderation....and tomorrow you die, anyway! Notice: The individual who dove in to save the revenue collector from the city park pool wishes to remain anonymous. As a matter of fact, so does the chap who pushed the collecter into the pond. A sand trap on the golf course is a deep depression filled with golfers who are in a deep depression. Confidence is that wonderful feeling of self-assurance you have just before you fall flat on your face at high noon in the most public of places and in the most foolish manner possible before the largest crowd of people ever known to be in that place at that time in all recorded history. The trouble with some born again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. If it weren't for betting on horses, some people wouldn't contribute to anything. In the United States, revolution is an abrupt change in the form of governmental mismanagement leading to accelerated taxation, decelerated reclaimation and much more paperwork. Vice President Dan Quayle says he never really wanted to be a Republican, he just wanted to live like one. Lots of people claim to be Catholic chiefly in the fact that this is their choice of a church which they do not attend. Vacation for most of us means a couple of weeks with pay when we don't have to go to work, and during those two weeks, a couple of days when it does not rain. The more I see of the representatives of the people, the legislatures of this land, the more respect I develop for members of the animal kingdom. Fleas and ticks the dogs get, other forms of vermin are not so common. These species got something going for them that we humans need to immitate. A part time employee noted that his pay check was five dollars short of what it should be and went in and registered a loud, long and windy protest to the payroll office. "Well," said the payroll officer, "you didn't come in last week when we overpaid you five dollars, with any complaint!" "Naturally," said the employee, "a mistake once made is a mistake, but when you do the thing twice, then it is time to register a complaint!" The vast majority of people who live a rural life tend to do this in the country, away from viewers and watchers, and for this, I guess we can be thankful. If it is a known fact of record that your grand-father did not have any children, it is much more likely that your father did not have any children and it practically insures that you won't perhaps even could not have any children. And if you don't, it is even less likely that your children will. Golfing is the art of using a bowed club and a flawed swing, a poor stance and tight shoes, a weak grip and a lose shank tape on the handle of the club, to hit a small ball badly toward the wrong hole, out of turn. Abraham Lincoln wrote his Gettysburg address on the BACK of an envelope and the Postal Service from that very day to the present time has been losing more and more mail each and every day. Put the address where you intend the mail to go on the FRONT of that envelope. The people at the Post Office are not mind readers, you know, and they need your help. By kicking all the crooks out of government we could easily solve that problem and also at the same time bring about a new one; a significantly higher unemployment rate. It often happens that those most concerned about the happiness of others are the chief cause and sometimes even the only cause of difficulty for those very same people they are trying to improve. To bring about the reform of an individual is a tedious and uncertain labor filled with frightening ambiguity and complete ambivilance. It is a whole lote easier, when all is said and done, simply to hang the SOB and get on with things. Somehow, it never hurts to step back occasionally and ask youself "Am I contributing to the solution of the problem or aiding in making a bigger problem?" Although it is said that the athlete was never fatally ill previously, the morning in question he sure woke up dead. And being that way, he didn't go nowhere. A person in that condition ain't prone to move around a lot unless he ain't got what he thought he did. In Illinois, to cut hair requires a license for which the holder must qualify by months of expensive study. That same person can walk and and plunk down a few bucks, get a marriage license and get hitched in a matter of just a few minutes. This is a land of law and order, not necessarily of common sense. Parents have heard that their son or daughter can grow up to become President of these United States but most of them are showing a strong preference for something in the way of work with a more promising future. There are currently two views about intelligent life on other planets in our universe. One says that if the folks on other planets are really intelligent, they would prefer not having a single thing to do with us. The second theory is that there is no intelligent life on other planets. If there were, already they would have contacted us to borrow money like everyone else. Take your pick! Rock Music: That noise, not necessarily organized, and if organized, not necessarily well, which will usually turn listeners stone deaf. The real difficulty with my cash flow is that my tide goes out far more than it comes in. Babies haven't any hair; Ole men's heads are just as bare; Between the cradle and the grave Lies a haircut and a shave To prevent baldness, follow the few simple rules which are listed here. 1. Eat at least five ounces of parsnips each day, while standing on your head. 2. Cut your hair only on the first Friday after a full moon, if it is on an even numbered day. 3. Rinse your hair in salt water no less than three times per day for no less than a minute each time. 4. A vigorous rum rinse with slightly warmed rum should follow each salt water wash. 5. On the even numbered Saturdays, use fresh eggs as a shampoo for your hair. By following these simple rules you will die of exhaustion long before your hair starts to fall out and you will avoid all those pesky Herbalife Salespersons trying to get you to use their shampoo. Music which is sung by two people simultaneously is often aptly called a duel. From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.